[ For now, maybe. She can't avoid it forever. She knows that. Zero was always perceptive on her behviour. If it was out of her usual, then he would know. She wasn't good at acting around him anyway. ]
...Ah....
[ Yujinn, Darres and Duzell. Those names uttered made her chest tighten. She lowered her hand to her chest. A frown easily made its way on her face. So he saw a lot of things that she had not told anyone-- not even Zero. He looked worried, and concerned, but she wasn't sure what to say. ]
Yeah, I had a rough childhood and my family situation was pretty hectic. Though, you knew all of that, right? I think I told you a little about it, but probably not as much as I should have.
[ She nodded her head. Though, she assumed it was easier to talk about Pheliosta than it was to talk about Facility. She wasn't really in the mood for it, but after the last time she hid something from him, she didn't want to repeat the same thing again. ]
Facility...?
[ She mused, keeping her head down. What could she possibly feel extreme guilt for? She knew that she had felt guilty for not being able to protect certain people or the loss of others, but she didn't really know until he mused again.
Sebastian.
Ishtar almost cringed at the thought. Sebastian was a strange man, whom she had helped despite what had happened to her during that time. He did tell her that he was under some kind of influence, but at the same time it instilled caution with Ishtar. Yet, he had helped her in several other ways. ]
...Blood... and Sebastian... that--
[ She closed her eyes. ]
... Did you just see blood, and him, but nothing else?
[ She was trying to forget that memory, really. The thought of names being brought up along with things. She doesn't know what he's seen and what he hasn't seen. She doesn't know where to start.
She puts hand to her head as he lets go of her. ]
Sebastian-- he under the influence of Facility--
[ She paused ] He killed me. [ There's no point in hiding that after all he was already upset with the research tower event. What more damage could this one be? Facility was far worse of an experience than Cerealia at this point. ]
[The words sink in deeper, penetrating past the initial shock until he snaps forward, grabbing her shoulder and encasing her within his arms as he swallows past the shock, while his heart beats rapidly in his chest.]
I don't remember much. I kind of try not to, you know?
[ She choked a reply. The last things he needed to remember was that death. ] It happened pretty quickly.
[ Painless, to say the least but she could see the worry on his face, and falling on her eyes and her expression. There wasn't any other way to say what he wanted to hear. Being the way she was and in the position she was, she was taken by surprise when he pulled her again against him. She could hear the faint sounds of his heart beat, and all she could down was hug him in return.
Honestly, this situation was becoming odd. ]
E-Easy there, Zero. I'm fine, really.
[ though the guilt was a whole other story and a whole can of worms she's not sure she wants to open up right now. The red was probably something far worse than Sebastian killing her. ]
[He held her in his arms, fingers locked at the nape of her hair entwined within the dark locks until he heard her speak words that held little meaning to a heart that was breaking beneath a confession he had prayed never to hear again. The way she dismissed it, as if her death could mean so little to him. She had died just like Ichiru... just like his parents. And he? He continued to live unable to save the only people who mattered to him. What did it matter how strong he'd grown if he couldn't even protect them?! And here she was, speaking to him as if it meant nothing. As if he should feel nothing. But he wasn't a machine, and yet they always expected him to accept it as fact, as if it didn't tear him apart knowing he had lost them.]
.....
[He pulled away, his eyes drowning in a sea of grey. If she wanted him to accept it like a machine then he'd do it. After everything she'd done for him, it was the least he could do.]
Whe--
[The lump in his throat was lodged so deep he couldn't swallow past it. It hurt to speak. To sit there and pretend he wasn't breaking, but he pushed past it. For her, he pushed past it.]
[ ever since she arrived here, this form of comfort had been helping her significantly in a manner that she can't quite understand but she felt safe. His gestures comforting to her who had been a little light headed. Even though he looked better physically, she could tell the way she spoke worried him.
Zero wasn't the type of person that would easily brush past death. She hardly knew about his parents or Ichiru's death. She did understand that she might have been too casual Wythe her response, this she looked up at his pained expression, lightly brushing her fingers against his face. She swallowed the words she wanted to say. 'It's not your fault.' Even if she said that he would still feel responsible.
Her brows knitted together more at his expression. She lowered her hand after that gesture, looking down. She never wanted him to know certain things. They all were like cans of worms waiting to be opened. ]
I'm sorry Zero. I know this is a lot on you after what we argued over. I never meant for any of that to happen. As for Sebastian, it was a while after you were taken from the facility.
[And there lay the answer. It was the same with Ichiru. She had died because he hadn't been there.]
......
[It was a hard pill to swallow, too hard. He looked away unable to look at her and remain whole, already his facade was cracking but he kept the pieces from falling apart.]
[ Ishtar looked a little more worried as his reaction was not normal. She was used to him getting a bit angry if anything, yet at the same time, he wasn't doing any of that. His tone was strained and she knew it. She hugged him instead, tightly, squeezing his waist. ]
I'm always causing you all kinds of worry don't I?
[ She said softly, if not a bit sadly. It wasn't like he had control over what the Facility wanted with them. They took people as they pleased and returned them just the same. Zero wouldn't have been able to do much even if he tried, especially against a force like that. It took them forever just to end the carnage, and even then, everything felt extremely empty.
She still remembered freshly, how many bodies she, Zero and Lavi had buried of the Consortium after their deaths. Then the deaths of their comrades, and those they held dear. One by one, they were falling. Ishtar fought back the thoughts that were resurfacing, keeping herself held together as much as she could. It was hard to admit that she was falling apart. ]
[ She shook her head. She was feeling uneasy with his lack of action. He was usually more animated than this. He tone was sad as she continued. ]
What have we become, really?
[ Rhetorical, if anything. The answers were clear. There was little to delve on. ]
I wasn't trying to lie to you.. The subjects were never brought up.
Sometimes, I don't want to talk about it and others, I'd rather not worry you or anyone else about. Maybe I've always been like this and it got worse as the times passed.
[ She paused. ]
No one ever wanted to listen to me before. No one wanted to hear what I had to say, or ask what I wanted. I guess somewhere along the way, it became natural... you know-- not necessarily lying, but just-- not saying anything at all.
[ Honestly, right now? She's not sure. Ishtar could only look at the hand that rested on her shoulder for a moment. ]
...
I don't-- this is way to sudden. Sometimes I feel like I'm being selfish, like what more could this spoiled princess want? She has everything you know?
[ Except that's a lie in all its glory. ] Yet, I never really asked for those things. Maybe I just want to run away, never go back and not be responsible. I've always wanted to be normal...just a simple person, with a name, no titles, no riches, just a simple....person....maybe like right now.
No one knows about my lineage, and no one treats me any different. It's one of the few things that I like about you, Zero. You don't change the way you treat me, even though you know about my past. Hahha, I don't even know where I'm getting at anymore.
I guess you're right, but I'm always causing trouble for you.
[ She nodded her head as he shoulder was squeezed ]
Of course I know that but I think about it like that sometimes you know? It always kind of sits in the back of my mind but I know it won't change a damn thing. It won't do me good to run away, but hey, maybe it's better that way, so I don't have to keep hurting people without trying to.
[ There's maybe a soft smile tugging at her lips. ]
Not at all. I think it's better for me to help you out. You're always doing everything on your own and you never ask for help. Someone's gotta keep pushing you somehow. I can't always let you do the work you know.
[ She replied with sort of frowning pout when he rested his hand o her head. ]
You don't know that for a fact, Zero.
[ There's almost a sad tone to her words. Not hurting anyone. Well, how could she explain what she had done under the influence of Facility to him? She wasn't as clean as he seemed to think she was. ]
[A muted sigh as he drops his hand from her head, seeing that frown.]
Yes, I do.
[The solemn tone has him looking at her more closely. He'd known her long enough to know she'd never hurt anyone if she could help it because at her core, she was a --]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
welllllll it happens?
Date: 2015-11-02 04:42 am (UTC)...Ah....
[ Yujinn, Darres and Duzell. Those names uttered made her chest tighten. She lowered her hand to her chest. A frown easily made its way on her face. So he saw a lot of things that she had not told anyone-- not even Zero. He looked worried, and concerned, but she wasn't sure what to say. ]
Yeah, I had a rough childhood and my family situation was pretty hectic. Though, you knew all of that, right? I think I told you a little about it, but probably not as much as I should have.
[ The guilt. ]
It happens ALL the time!
Date: 2015-11-02 04:59 am (UTC)You don't need to tell me anything, Ishtar. But the guilt I felt. It's not from back then. It's from the Facility.
[He looks at her.]
There was blood. Sebastian was there and someone else.
What happened?
She doesn't do it on purpose okay?!
Date: 2015-11-02 06:06 am (UTC)Facility...?
[ She mused, keeping her head down. What could she possibly feel extreme guilt for? She knew that she had felt guilty for not being able to protect certain people or the loss of others, but she didn't really know until he mused again.
Sebastian.
Ishtar almost cringed at the thought. Sebastian was a strange man, whom she had helped despite what had happened to her during that time. He did tell her that he was under some kind of influence, but at the same time it instilled caution with Ishtar. Yet, he had helped her in several other ways. ]
...Blood... and Sebastian... that--
[ She closed her eyes. ]
... Did you just see blood, and him, but nothing else?
Yeah. Sure she doesn't.
Date: 2015-11-03 02:27 am (UTC)[His hands slide away from her, letting his hold on her go.]
she really doesn't It just happens sersly :<
Date: 2015-11-03 02:34 am (UTC)[ She was trying to forget that memory, really. The thought of names being brought up along with things. She doesn't know what he's seen and what he hasn't seen. She doesn't know where to start.
She puts hand to her head as he lets go of her. ]
Sebastian-- he under the influence of Facility--
[ She paused ] He killed me. [ There's no point in hiding that after all he was already upset with the research tower event. What more damage could this one be? Facility was far worse of an experience than Cerealia at this point. ]
1/?
Date: 2015-11-03 02:44 am (UTC)2/?
Date: 2015-11-03 03:01 am (UTC)----
[She had--- He stares at her, silver eyes falling to her face, her eyes.]
How-- [His voice cracks, forcing him to swallow past the lump lodged in his throat but its too thick, too big.]
3/?
Date: 2015-11-03 03:02 am (UTC)4/4
Date: 2015-11-03 03:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-11-03 04:55 am (UTC)[ She choked a reply. The last things he needed to remember was that death. ] It happened pretty quickly.
[ Painless, to say the least but she could see the worry on his face, and falling on her eyes and her expression. There wasn't any other way to say what he wanted to hear. Being the way she was and in the position she was, she was taken by surprise when he pulled her again against him. She could hear the faint sounds of his heart beat, and all she could down was hug him in return.
Honestly, this situation was becoming odd. ]
E-Easy there, Zero. I'm fine, really.
[ though the guilt was a whole other story and a whole can of worms she's not sure she wants to open up right now. The red was probably something far worse than Sebastian killing her. ]
no subject
Date: 2015-11-05 01:49 am (UTC).....
[He pulled away, his eyes drowning in a sea of grey. If she wanted him to accept it like a machine then he'd do it. After everything she'd done for him, it was the least he could do.]
Whe--
[The lump in his throat was lodged so deep he couldn't swallow past it. It hurt to speak. To sit there and pretend he wasn't breaking, but he pushed past it. For her, he pushed past it.]
When... did it happen?
no subject
Date: 2015-11-05 02:07 am (UTC)Zero wasn't the type of person that would easily brush past death. She hardly knew about his parents or Ichiru's death. She did understand that she might have been too casual Wythe her response, this she looked up at his pained expression, lightly brushing her fingers against his face. She swallowed the words she wanted to say. 'It's not your fault.' Even if she said that he would still feel responsible.
Her brows knitted together more at his expression. She lowered her hand after that gesture, looking down. She never wanted him to know certain things. They all were like cans of worms waiting to be opened. ]
I'm sorry Zero. I know this is a lot on you after what we argued over. I never meant for any of that to happen. As for Sebastian, it was a while after you were taken from the facility.
1/2
Date: 2015-11-05 02:22 am (UTC)Don't.
You don't need to apologize, Ishtar.
[She didn't need to hold back because of him, yet he knew now that it was exactly what she'd been doing. All this time...]
2/2
Date: 2015-11-05 02:24 am (UTC)......
[It was a hard pill to swallow, too hard. He looked away unable to look at her and remain whole, already his facade was cracking but he kept the pieces from falling apart.]
no subject
Date: 2015-11-05 02:41 am (UTC)I'm always causing you all kinds of worry don't I?
[ She said softly, if not a bit sadly. It wasn't like he had control over what the Facility wanted with them. They took people as they pleased and returned them just the same. Zero wouldn't have been able to do much even if he tried, especially against a force like that. It took them forever just to end the carnage, and even then, everything felt extremely empty.
She still remembered freshly, how many bodies she, Zero and Lavi had buried of the Consortium after their deaths. Then the deaths of their comrades, and those they held dear. One by one, they were falling. Ishtar fought back the thoughts that were resurfacing, keeping herself held together as much as she could. It was hard to admit that she was falling apart. ]
no subject
Date: 2015-11-05 02:53 am (UTC)... So do I.
[He never looked up.]
When was it that you couldn't tell me truth anymore?
no subject
Date: 2015-11-05 03:02 am (UTC)[ She shook her head. She was feeling uneasy with his lack of action. He was usually more animated than this. He tone was sad as she continued. ]
What have we become, really?
[ Rhetorical, if anything. The answers were clear. There was little to delve on. ]
I wasn't trying to lie to you.. The subjects were never brought up.
Sometimes, I don't want to talk about it and others, I'd rather not worry you or anyone else about. Maybe I've always been like this and it got worse as the times passed.
[ She paused. ]
No one ever wanted to listen to me before. No one wanted to hear what I had to say, or ask what I wanted. I guess somewhere along the way, it became natural... you know-- not necessarily lying, but just-- not saying anything at all.
no subject
Date: 2015-11-05 04:03 am (UTC)What do you want, Ishtar?
1/2
Date: 2015-11-05 04:18 am (UTC)....
[ She doesn't even know how to answer that. ]
no subject
Date: 2015-11-05 04:23 am (UTC)...
I don't-- this is way to sudden. Sometimes I feel like I'm being selfish, like what more could this spoiled princess want? She has everything you know?
[ Except that's a lie in all its glory. ] Yet, I never really asked for those things. Maybe I just want to run away, never go back and not be responsible. I've always wanted to be normal...just a simple person, with a name, no titles, no riches, just a simple....person....maybe like right now.
No one knows about my lineage, and no one treats me any different. It's one of the few things that I like about you, Zero. You don't change the way you treat me, even though you know about my past. Hahha, I don't even know where I'm getting at anymore.
no subject
Date: 2015-11-05 04:47 am (UTC)Your titles don't change who you are, Ishtar.
[He squeezes her shoulder.]
Running away from them.... being someone else. It won't make you any happier.
no subject
Date: 2015-11-05 04:57 am (UTC)[ She nodded her head as he shoulder was squeezed ]
Of course I know that but I think about it like that sometimes you know? It always kind of sits in the back of my mind but I know it won't change a damn thing. It won't do me good to run away, but hey, maybe it's better that way, so I don't have to keep hurting people without trying to.
no subject
Date: 2015-11-06 03:56 am (UTC)It's only when you put it in your head to help me that you cause me trouble.
[His hand slides on top of her head.]
You don't hurt anyone, Ishtar. It's not who you are.
no subject
Date: 2015-11-09 05:59 am (UTC)Not at all. I think it's better for me to help you out. You're always doing everything on your own and you never ask for help. Someone's gotta keep pushing you somehow. I can't always let you do the work you know.
[ She replied with sort of frowning pout when he rested his hand o her head. ]
You don't know that for a fact, Zero.
[ There's almost a sad tone to her words. Not hurting anyone. Well, how could she explain what she had done under the influence of Facility to him? She wasn't as clean as he seemed to think she was. ]
no subject
Date: 2015-11-10 04:06 am (UTC)Yes, I do.
[The solemn tone has him looking at her more closely. He'd known her long enough to know she'd never hurt anyone if she could help it because at her core, she was a --]
You're a healer. You save people.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From: